omg_shoez

It's been a while.  I don't have much time to update, but it's been forever since I have.. so I thought that I would come on here so that I can say..... I HATE MY NEW JOB.  I hate the new job.  I hated the last job.  Am I ever going to find a job that I like?  *sigh*  I am back to the idea of going back to school.  Maybe I can stick this out until I can get some schooling in... ???...  Hopefully by then this market will have improved and I will have a better chance of finding something that I TRULY enjoy.

Boo for complaining, but I needed to get it out.

I hate that every time I want to write in my LJ I seem to be in a grumpy mood, I'm depressed, or anxious.  But I suppose if I'm feeling that way quite a bit lately it makes sense :( 

Anyway, my rant.. WHY can't I just have male friends who don't, at some point, confess to me that they have feelings for me?  I don't mean for this to sound conceited - we are our harshest critics and that definitely holds true for me - but it seems to be happening a lot lately.  I don't make friends easily with women, sadly, but it seems that I have become decent at making friends with men, and it would be nice if it could remain that way - just friends.  I have a boyfriend; I love him and he loves me.  We have a great relationship.  Why can't these guys just respect that?

And now, on to "job stuff" :)  I have an interview tomorrow with another department within the company I work for currently.  The job title is Sales Support, in the Sales and Marketing department.  I am not good at sales at ALL, but I don't actually have to sell the product.  I would work with the agents who are selling the product to make sure they have all the information they need to do so.  I think I can do that.

I don't think that my ramblings are making much sense.  I'm tired and I meant to write more, mainly about some things I've been going over in therapy, but I'm having trouble keeping my sentences coherent.  And if I am going to do well in that interview, I better make sure that I'm well rested :)  So, to bed with me :)

Work.. it blows.. We've been overly busy for months now.  They aren't hiring anyone else.  I guess that they can't afford to.  Today, it's gotten so bad, that no one else can call in.  People are trying to call us and are getting a busy signal b/c we just can't handle that many calls.  Luckily the market has only dropped 128 points today.  That's a sure improvement over the last week.  People seem to be in complete panic - otherwise I'm sure we wouldn't have such an exorbitant amount of calls. 

And I volunteered to work overtime tomorrow.. Just 2 hours, but now I'm wondering WHY!?  I could use the extra $$ I suppose... ugh

I'm tired and I really need to get to bed... but I felt like gushing about Jake b/c... he got me a laptop :D  I have a desktop computer and it's set up pretty conveniently, but now I can snuddle (our word for snuggle/cuddle, haha) up on the couch next to him while I play online instead of being across the room.  Not a huge difference, but I like being close to him.  I don't care that it's not a top of the line fancy new model or that he got it for free  - I just like knowing that he cares about me and he was thinking about me :)  There are other places that he wanted me to be able to use it, not just on the couch with him, but I like this place best :) :) :)

For the last 2 days, I managed to get myself out of bed to ride my bike on the trainer for 15 minutes.  I'm working my way up to 30, but 15 on medium resistance I thought was a good place to start.  I do like it - getting up kinda sucks, but I like putting on some music and pedaling until my alarm goes off, warning me that if I don't get in the shower, I'll be late for work.  Oh, and the getting up part is not so bad when my other option is laying in bed for 20 more minutes (5 to change clothes and get the mp3 player ready, haha) having anxious thoughts and not being able to rest.  They aren't lying when they say exercise is a good way to start your day :D  I think my point here is that I should be getting to bed so that I can keep this up, haha.

Ok, one more 'hooray' for my lovey - he's good to me.  He's supportive, understanding, caring, he listens when I just want someone to vent to about my day.  I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to convince anyone of his qualities, or too much of a school girl in puppy love - but I felt like writing about him today, lol.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, there is a fleeting anxious thought that I should be worried that someday this will all be taken from me, but he shows me so well that this feeling is unfounded - we really just seem to have that deep connection, and I am so lucky to have found that in him :) 

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I'm here at my new "part time job" at the mall.  I have a friend that runs a kiosk.  He used to sell Helio phones - that didn't go over too well in this area, and then Helio was bought out by Virgin Moble, so that ruined that little plan.  Now he's selling purses - the ones that look name brand, but they're about 300+ dollars cheaper, haha.  He gets burnt out working too much and I could use a little extra $$ to help with my bills, so we worked out a little arrangement.  I thought it would be good for me b/c it will be easy and it will give me some time on the computer where I'm not so distracted that I won't look for a new job!  That's about all I have for now.  He's back and wants to show me some things about how this all works, so... off I go, lol.

I'm not really sure about the title, but whatever :)  Another week of work, but I think I've been doing better.  Well, my mood is still horrible - and affecting my job, I'm sure not for the best.  I hung up on a difficult caller today - queue the survey they get to take when the call is disconnected from our end, but wtf ever, the guy was irritating me and the only help I was getting from co-workers was, "we can't do that b/c of this rule and if you do that, this will come back on you.. " so if the guy doesn't want the help I was able to offer (he refused to do things that way) - fuck him.  Company policy, sir, wasn't my idea.  Oh, and then there's the whole, "you need to be here for a year before you can transfer to another department."  Bullshit.  There was a woman that trained with us that transferred right away to another department, so don't give me that line when I tell you I'm interested in transferring to something else in the company. 

Wow, so much for my better mood.  Stupid job and my stupid attitude, haha.  BUT, I did make the decision this morning to try out a temp agency.  The bf used a temp agency who always had good placement opportunities for him, so I'm going to see what they can find for me.  A little help in the search never hurt anyone :)  I hope that they can help me though.  The one that he went to is for finance, accounting, and IT jobs, mainly.  He's in IT.. I'm not.. but I think that they will try anyway.  And you know, finance wouldn't be so bad.  I would love to do something in banking - I almost forgot!  I had this focus on HR for so long I didn't think much about other opportunities.  I tried to fill out their little application thing online and it was very long and detailed, so I decided to wait until I get home.  When I was unemployed, I found a temp agency to be a complete waste of time.  One of them kept calling and offering me jobs in a mail room.  The other didn't call me at all until 3 months after I had this job (which was probably 6 months after I'd visited the temp agency) with the one and only job offer they found for me.  Ridiculous :(  Maybe I just do suck that bad..

This weekend was pretty good.. I didn't feel too great on Friday, so went to bed early.. Saturday I was supposed to get this room ready to be painted.  Well, I got the walls all cleaned (ugh, smoke tar.. gross).  I'd promised a friend earlier this week that I would tag along with her to a housewarming party (for someone I didn't know at all.. kinda awkward, but I did ok, I think) and she promised I'd only be there for a short time - well, that ended up being 3 1/2 hours.  Wtf??  anyway, so I got the paint and went home and managed to remove all of the light switch covers and things and vacuum/clean up the dust before the bf and I had to get ready to go out for his friend's 30th bday party.  That ended up being pretty fun, so I won't complain about leaving for that.  I only had one drink so that he could have a few, and that was at the very beginning of the night.  The rest of the people we were with didn't drink too awful much, so I didn't feel weird not drinking more than I did.. y'know, sometimes it gets annoying when you're the only sober one with all the drunkies ;)  Anyway, Sunday I spend ALL day painting.  Primed in the morning.  Painted in the afternoon/evening.  It looks SO much better, but it needs another coat :(  I'm excited for the whole inside of the house to be done though.  We rent, so maybe I shouldn't be so excited about doing the work, but the landlord is paying for the paint (by taking it off of the rent) and it gives me something to keep me occupied so I'm not worried about what I could be doing if I knew more people and had the energy, ha.. Wow, I can turn just about anything into a downer statement.. jeez.. anyway, I've been off work for a while so I'm getting the hell out of here..

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Or rather, the need for money but the lack thereof, sucks.  It's hard to believe that there are people out there worse off than me in that department.  My credit is suffering horribly b/c of my inability to pay off certain medical bills.  Now I'm starting to think that rather than send them the freakin $33/mo that they are telling me I HAVE to send.. I can just send $5/$10 a month and whittle it down slowly.  A little bit is better than nothing and maybe it will take me a million years to get it done, but it would be better than the crap that I'm dealing with now.  I was thinking about going back to school, but there is no way that I'll be able to get a loan.  Guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed for a better job!  Or, I'll get a second job :(  What a crappy Tuesday.  BLAH

So, I've decided to go off of my depression meds.  After having some discussion on some live journal forums and with some RL friends and the bf, I found that.. I don't know if they're even helping anymore.  I've been on so many different things, I don't know what is a side effect from the meds, and what is possibly caused by my depression/anxiety.  So I'm going to taper off of them, slowly, to keep from getting sick (anyone who's gone off of them knows how absolutely horrid it makes you feel!!!) and STAY off of them longer this time.  I've only made it about a month the last 2 times and I felt I needed them again, but both times I was going through some major lifestyle changes.  I'm hoping that with less triggers this time, and more stability, I will do a little better.  As I recall, the last time I decided to go off of these, my anxiety was worse, so I was hoping that if it came down to it, I'd get some xanax or something to keep the panic attacks at bay - something that I can take ONLY when I feel panicked.. not something that will be coursing trough me on a regular basis.  I'm hoping that it goes ok!  I've been so irritable lately and hateful of everything and sometimes just about everyone, and I don't like that. 

I think a new job will help.

I think something to calm me down and stop feeling like I have too much to do and too little time will help. 

:D

I had a great weekend!  It's too bad that this dreaded Monday had to come so soon.  Friday night, the bf and I went shopping for the last few things we needed for the camping trip.  Basically, we just needed water shoes for the tubing trip,  but we ended up messing around, walking around the mall.  It was nice to have that time that was set aside for nothing - didn't have anything that we needed to look for to buy, didn't have any particular time that we had to be anywhere.. He told me later that it kinda felt like a date, lol. How cute :)  I love our relationship.

Saturday was the camping trip.  We were all meeting at Hy-Vee before heading out.  We went in for breakfast, which I didn't know was going to happen.  I'm not much of a morning person, so I felt a little grumbly, but I think everyone else was too at 7 on a Saturday morning.  I wasn't going to bring any alcohol, but someone was talking about what they just got to bring, so after breakfast, I asked bf to shop a bit with me b/c I thought I'd want something after all.  We ended up getting some coconut rum and pineapple juice (my absolute FAV).  The drive wasn't bad - hour and a half I think.  We set everything up at the campsite pretty quickly.  It wasn't a campsite like the ones I'm used to. Usually when I go camping we get a little secluded spot in the trees.  This was like a big open field with the camp sites separated by long grass.  We had about 2 hours before tubing, so we sat around and talked, had some jello shots and a bit of lunch.  The tubing was great, but we stopped at a sand bar and had some more jello shots.  They were trying to get rid of the jello, so I think I had 5 of them at one stop.  That mixed with a little puff from a joint and my giant plastic bottle with rum was NOT good.  The last thing I remember is getting a little dizzy, then getting po'd b/c the bf wasn't floating with me, he was off talking to some others in the group - usually cool, but I think I was scared b/c of the way I was feeling.  We were in some low water, so I stood up and walked over to him and slurred, "you're supposed to float with me...." then proceeded to pass out on my tube.  For some reason I couldn't talk, but I could motion to people that I was still alive when they asked how I was doing.  The next thing I remember is getting sick in the water.. then starting to feel a bit better, but still not being able to talk and being dizzy when I tried to lift my head.  Not fun!

We stopped at another sand bar and I finally decided it was time to get up and test out my head/legs.  I was doing ok and went over to the group.  They were all asking me how I was feeling when all of a sudden, I hear something hit the bf's water bottle right next to my ear.  Come to find out, some girl was trying to throw this big jagged half of clam shell at someone, and it was coming directly for my head.  Thank God for his quick reflexes, or I'm sure I would be bleeding for the rest of the trip down the river.  He told me that he's not sure how many people would really believe it, but he felt like something was trying to harm me today and he was there to protect me.  He said that sometimes things like that happen and it further reaffirms for him that we have some deeper connection than he's experienced before.  When he says these things, at times it sounds a little far fetched to me, and sometimes it's so deep and somewhat surreal. 

Sunday we didn't do much. We woke up to find that it was just us and one other couple left at the camp ground.  One couple left the night before, around 9:30 when we finished eating and were sitting around the camp fire.  3 more couples left around 1 a.m. apparently - I was asleep by then, still didn't feel well.  There was a fight at the grounds next to us and they were uncomfortable and couldn't sleep, so they drove home.  Oh well. Their loss.  We stopped and got some coffee and some breakfast and were home by 10:30.  The bf and I did some things around the house.  I'm going to paint soon (I think it will look SO much better!) so I went to the store and bought some TSP stuff to clean the walls and get it prepped for painting.. and then we watched some movies, played some video games, and took several naps. Oh and there were chores lol - laundry and putting away our camping things. 

And now it's Monday - and I am reminded yet again why I don't like my job :(  I thought it would at least get better but I'm so irritable and fed up.

Wow, I like to ramble o_O

Yay Friday!  now, if only it were 6 pm, central time.. I would be on my way out the door, not to return to this place until 9:15 Monday morning.. Ah, glorious weekend!  The bf and I are going camping with some of his friends in Eldora - tubing, campfires, and a tent with my lovey :)  what could possibly be better?  I have heard that this weekend is supposed to be VERY hot and VERY humid.. welcome to August in Iowa, a friend told me.  Bleh.  So maybe the sleep won't be very fulfilling, but it's just one night.. I'll survive.  Sleep aid to the rescue?  Perhaps....

I am still confused about the job situation, but I decided to take a proactive approach for myself.  I sent an email to my boss, asking him if we can have a one on one meeting to discuss career pathing.  I talked to someone in HR about how I might get into that line of business (that's what I think I might want to do) and what opportunities there might be within the same company (there aren't many).  So now I'm stuck wondering if I should take more classes.. or if I should go into banking which is something I've always been interested in.. or if I should go into marketing, which was the emphasis of my BA degree - aaaah!  too much to think about.  So, to sort it all out, I sent an email to a professor I had in college, who is one of my professional references and the person that I went to when I was tired of my last job.  He works at the college (professor.. duh, Leslie.. did you need to clarify? lol) so I think he knows how to direct students to their "calling" so to speak.  The only difference is that this time I HAVE a job to keep me on my feet until I find something that I want.  The last time, I had gotten fired b/c the meds I took for depression and anxiety made me tired.. and that mixed with insomnia (being tired but not able to sleep = suck) made it almost impossible for me to get to work on time some days.  I got unemployment for it by explaining to the Iowa Workforce Development exactly what happened - I tried telling my employer what was up and what the deal was, and they didn't listen or work with me.  It's so awful getting fired - then pair that with depression and you feel TOTALLY worthless :(  ugh.. but I'm doing better here and I'm really thinking that with me pushing 25 yrs old, it's time for me to get somewhere that I'm happy - something that I can call a career, that offers opportunities to me to show what I'm good at.. :-|  I'm scared and excited and I hope that I find it!

I was trying for a happy post this time, but no such luck :(  Well, I suppose I can start it off with something good - I had a good weekend :)  It wasn't anything spectacular.  I didn't do very much, mainly b/c I don't have any money TO do anything.  Friday night was just a night in with the bf :)  Saturday I stopped in my hometown to visit with my mom and get a hair cut (she's a beautician - yay free hair cuts!) and then headed to another nearby town to visit some friends of mine from high school/college.  They are getting ready to move to a house, and since I'm unavailable to help them this weekend (camping) I offered to go and help them pack things up.  We didn't get a whole lot accomplished, but it was great to see them.  I'm so comfortable around them, and I love that we never have to do anything but sit and talk to be happy :)  Sunday the bf and I were going to get up early and go on a bike ride.  Well, that didn't happen.  Neither of us woke up until 11:30 :-|  Ugh.  We cleaned up the house and played some WoW (this is a normal Sunday for us, ha) and had dinner at his dad's at 6 with the intention of biking afterward.  No such luck - it started pouring down rain off and on the rest of the evening and before we left for dinner, part of the tree in the back yard fell on the neighbors shed.  Good thing we rent :-|

Anywho, so the week was starting out ok after that.  Job wasn't quite so suckalicious on Monday and we did some grocery shopping on Monday evening.  We are doing the South Beach Diet and just basically eating healthier, so groceries are EXPENSIVE! But I think that we're saving ourselves money in the long run since we very rarely stop for restaurant foods now.   And now here it is Tuesday.  The day started out decent - I was a little hurried on my way into work, as usual, but I managed to get here and get logged in on time.  The first few calls I took were not so bad and I was starting to think that it might be alright if I had to stay here for 3 more months until I could transfer, more depending on when a desirable position opens AND the likelihood that I would be chosen to take that position.  Then I get a phone call from a woman and her agent who have been working on a transfer and were having trouble with it.  I found out what they needed to know and went back and told them, which resulted in them asking me to speak to a supervisor b/c, while I had been very nice and helpful, they were getting different stories from different people when they called in.  They wanted one person to look into the issue and get to the bottom of it.  As I'm getting ready to transfer them, the agent tells me that the woman that he spoke to after me on a previous occasion had stated that I didn't have a clue what I was talking about.  I didn't say anything about that, just transfered the call.  THEN I was pissed.  It takes a LOT to offend me.  But for a co-worker (same call center, different state, we're a backup location) to say something about my work performance and to have the audacity to state it on a recorded line to a CUSTOMER... that offends me.  If she thinks I suck, she can at least wait until after the call to talk to someone else about it.  Or she can have some fucking tact and tell the customer that I had misinformed them (which I really hadn't), not that I "don't have a clue."  I've been seething all day about this damn job and using whatever opportunity I can to look up what jobs are available, how I can transfer, etc.  I just can't take much more of this place.  The only thing that gets me by is that I have awesome co-workers, but being that I barely get to talk to them b/c of all the time I have to spend on the damn phone, well... that's just not enough to keep me here.  I want to stay in the company, but if I find something elsewhere, so be it.  The resume is getting an overhaul tonight.

So, I work for a financial institution, which isn't so unusual in Des Moines, given that it is considered the "insurance capital of the world" or some such nonsense, and I'm starting to hate it.  I don't hate the company.  Or my co-workers. Or the hours.  I don't even hate the line of business that I service.  What I HATE is the call center.  Not that I've ever heard good things about working in a call center - I think it is national consensus that they really do just suck.  I love helping people, especially when it's with something like helping them save up money for their retirement, but we've been so busy and the people have been somewhat irritable (which doesn't help when I'm irritable), and I'm just getting fed up with it.  I want a job that's a little more lax - something where if I need to take a little break to get a drink or go to the bathroom, it's not a huge ordeal.  Not that I'm lazy - just that I thought as an adult, finally there might be a little freedom in life.  But all I'm free to do is be "chained" to a desk by a phone cord all day to earn barely enough money to pay the bills.  I don't even make enough to be able to contribute to my own retirement plan.  I have student loans from 4 years of college - and this is what it got me?  A job  that I could have gotten out of high school and a ton of debt.  Debt that got me this job that barely pays me enough to pay the debt.  It does pay better than my last job, I will give it that.  And it's not as boring.  But it's demanding and stressful and sometimes I just don't want to deal with it anymore.  People tell me that EVERYONE hates their job. It's just something that we have to do to live.  Perhaps that's true, but shouldn't we all work toward something that we wouldn't hate quite so much?  Something we won't dread in the morning?  Something we won't try to get out of as much as possible?  I'm not lazy.  I just want to do something that is tolerable.  I hate being this negative about things.  Yes, I have anxiety and depression, but I don't like wasting my energy on "hating" things.  I'm just not sure where to go with this job thing.  I don't know what type of job that I would like.  I've been thinking recently that it might be fun to go back to school and perhaps try something completely different.  Maybe be a nurse, but I think that's stressful and demanding as well - perhaps in a different more fulfilling way, however.  And then there is the fact that more school = more loan debt.  I suppose I'll figure it out eventually!  Until then I think I better explore my options!

Here it is.. in all of it's glory (or lack thereof).. my first REAL journal entry!  Da da da DAAAA!

And now I'm drawing a blank.. ha.  Guess I'll start with the basics.  That's probably important for a "live" journal.  I'm 24, living in good old Iowa.  I moved in with my boyfriend in May :) We have been together for almost a year now, coming up on August.  The move was a little sooner than I would have normally anticipated, but I had a difficult roommate on the opposite side of town from where I worked.  He was looking for a roommate and lives 10 minutes from where I work.  So with that and many many other factors considered, we decided it the best course of action, and it's working out just fine :)  He is so wonderful, and after a few bad boyfriend experiences in the past, I can truly appreciate him. *swoon* 

Ok, enough of that.. hmm.. I moved here after college about 2 years ago.  I have had 2 different jobs and have moved around this area (Des Moines) 5 times in those 2 years, so I haven't really found much permanence.  At times I get a bit lonely.  My closest lady friends live at least 30 minutes away.  I do have a bit of social anxiety, oddly enough around other women, not around men, so I have found it a little difficult to find someone around here to go shopping with, have those girl chats with, etc.  I am slowly working to get over my anxiety, and to realize that just because my phone doesn't ring every 5 minutes (hell, not even every day) it doesn't mean that no one cares and it doesn't mean that I'm losing touch.

I work in a call center at a financial institution, answering people's questions about their retirement plans 8 hours a day.  I can't WAIT to get out of the call center.  I do like customer service, but this call center business REALLY gets to me sometimes.  I am planning to transfer to another department shortly after my one year anniversary in October *fingers crossed*

Alright, this is getting long and I'm off work in 1 minute, so off I go :)

I'm just trying out my first journal entry :)  So far so good, but I'm still learning all the navigation :-|  Eek!